In this weeks blog, I will be sharing the story behind the song of mine called I Wanted You. This song was received and written on July 31, 1997 for my friend, Lisa. I wrote the following note about the song when I first received it so I would not forget the circumstances behind the way this song came about. Here’s what I wrote:
“For those who feel they were not planned, expected, or needed. God creates us as blessings even if we were conceived as the result of sin. He delights in the smallest and most feeble life.”
I will never forget the moment I heard Lisa’s story. How she felt she was a mistake. An accident. That she was never wanted in the first place. What makes a person come to such conclusions about their own existence? If there is one thing I know, the enemy - Satan - hates the work of the cross and hates what it means to the heart of every new creation. If He can keep us from knowing Christ in the first place, he has won. But even if we come to saving faith in Jesus Christ, he still wants us to become crippled with his subtle lies that cause us to doubt God’s love for us. If he can get us to doubt that love, he can pretty much dictate much of the journey of our lives. When I heard Lisa’s story and how it caused her to feel unwanted, I became very angry with the liar and his lies and began asking the Lord for a song of deliverance for her - a song from His perspective concerning her life
For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:13-14 NASB
Does it say God only creates and forms some people or is the Word of the Lord in Psalm 139 directed at the entire human race? I believe it means every life that is ever conceived was created and ordained by God…because God is perfect and He does not make mistakes. And let’s not confuse guilt and shame here. Guilt is the understanding that I have done something wrong. Shame is the belief that I am something wrong. I’m here to remind you that God makes no mistakes. You and I are here for a reason - regardless of the circumstances of our existence. We would not be here if God did not want us.
Lisa’s story is powerful and a testimony to God’s ability to take what Satan means for evil and use it for our good and His glory. She was born in the late 1950s in South Korea. Her father was an American soldier and her mother was a teenage prostitute. Because she was probably supporting her family by selling her body, her parents looked the other way…even after she became pregnant with Lisa. In the culture in those days, a child of mixed race was looked upon with shame. In fact, according to the culture of those days, Lisa’s birth mother had only three choices. She could give her baby up for adoption. She could keep the child and be ostracized by the family and be forced to live in a home for prostitutes - a further shame…or she could kill the baby. In fact, babies born under such circumstances were sometimes left hanging in trees in the hope someone would find them and take them in - and also so wild animals would not harm them.
During Lisa’s infancy, a couple of American missionaries were in the practice of visiting Korean households to give inoculations and share Jesus in the process. During one such visit, they happened into the home of Lisa’s birth family and recognized Lisa’s mixed heritage…and knew the fate of baby Lisa was not a good one. Such was the shame felt by the birth mother that Lisa was not even given a family name on her official birth certificate. Knowing Lisa would probably be abandoned, the young missionaries decided to take her into their own home at the birth mother’s request to give her up for adoption. I have since found out that these two wonderful missionaries were responsible for rescuing 150 babies from abandonment through the years.
Working with an adoption agency here in the states, Lisa was placed with a Christian family in Checotah, Oklahoma where Lisa’s adoptive parents eventually settled. Lisa’s dad managed a grocery store there for many years. Lisa told me she battled feelings of being unwanted and that those feelings were exacerbated when she lost her parents. One evening, her folks were traveling back from a revival meeting in a nearby city when their car was struck broadside, leaving her mom with a brainstem injury. She died a week later. Her dad received multiple injuries, the most severe being an aortic rupture which left him completely paralyzed. He passed away a year later from cancer. This was obviously devastating to Lisa.
This is when the enemy went into a full-fledged assault on Lisa’s mind, ravaging her thoughts with feelings of being an accident; feelings of being unwanted and unintended; feeling rejected. Lisa told me she knew her adoptive parents loved her. Of that, she had absolutely no doubt. Her exact quote to me was:
“I knew, in my brain, that my adoptive parents loved me…but there is just something about being adopted that causes a small voice to say that someone didn’t want you…you were rejected. It’s not logical, but it just within our nature.”
When I heard those words, I remember being so angry at the enemy for my friend and immediately began asking Father for a song of deliverance for her. That’s when the song I Wanted You came to me. Since sharing the song with Lisa so many years ago, I have continued to use it from time to time in public ministry. On more than one occasion, I have been approached after sharing the song by young women who told me they conceived children as a result of being sexually assaulted, choosing to keep the child, and of being ostracized by the church. I have also been told many times by both men and women that they remembered feeling they were accidents, some even telling me they were told by their own parents they should have been called “Oops” because they never intended to have another baby. The bottom line is this: You would not be here if you were not wanted. God is the one who creates life…regardless of the circumstances surrounding the conception of that life.
If you have ever struggled with feelings of being unwanted, not planned, or have ever felt rejected, this song is for you. Hear Father’s heart as you listen to the song I Wanted You. You can hear the song by using the link provided below.
Dennis Jernigan
For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God…Romans 8:15-16 NASB
To hear the Dennis Jernigan podcast version of this blog as well as the song, I Wanted You, go to https://www.patreon.com/posts/i-wanted-you-101486243
Photo courtesy of https://cdn.pixabay.com/photo/2017/09/05/11/37/baby-2717347_1280.jpg