Prologue

Yes, it’s true. I walked out of homosexuality on November 7, 1981. During that period of my life I had never heard of Exodus International or of any other group that espoused the possibility of freedom from same-sex attractions. I felt so alone yet so hopeful at the same time. Still afraid to share with anyone else the things I struggled with yet so hopeful because I had finally found the only One Who I believed understood me and had as His only agenda my healing and restoration. I was used to being used...so to be confronted in a real way by God’s love—and not feeling used and worthless all the time—led me a deep longing and desire to get to know Someone who would love me like that.

Telling the story of how God led me to freedom is honestly one of my favorite things to do. In the telling of that story I am asked many questions by those who hear it.

The most often asked question?

“Was your healing instant or was it a process?”

The answer? “Yes!”

On the evening I began my journey towards wholeness I believe the power of my sin was broken...but I came to realize very quickly that this journey required many frequent stops for healing along the way. The purpose of this collection of writings I call devotions is to encourage you—regardless of your present circumstances or past failures—would come to find your place in that journey towards wholeness and that you would find many places to stop along the way where you find deep healing for the wounds and rejections you have already experienced in this life. As you read and practice what you find here, know this: I will be praying that you would come to the place I have come to...that knowing Christ intimately (and being known by Him) is worth every struggle you have had to face. I am certain that God will meet you in your own journey and will walk “every step of the way with you...and that ultimately you will come to the place where so much healing has happened that you will then turn around and lead others through that same journey.

Are you ready? I encourage you to begin each session by asking the Lord to give you insight into your own life. After praying this simple prayer, begin listening to the song that serves as the theme of that session. Then read the devotion and Scripture. Then simply answer the questions and meditate on God’s Word. End your session by once again listening to the song. Take it personally as you listen. It’s all for you.

In His Love & Grace,

Dennis Jernigan

Excerpt From Victim to Victor : A Personal Devotional Walk Towards Wholeness with Christ

By Dennis Jernigan

How Did I Get Here?

Listen to the song "Lord, Though the World Rejected Me" before you begin reading Listne for free at https://youtu.be/5fQgbMc1Zbo?si=vftUpYLFmNZl0sk0

How in the world did I ever get here? I was raised in a Christian home...played piano for my church from the time I was a young man...all-star athlete in high school...valedictorian of my graduating class...representative who traveled the nation promoting the Christian University I attended...and homosexual. In reality, I had been living this lifestyle since I was a young boy. Having learned to hide it well, I had convinced myself that I really could lead two lives. My assumption was that everyone seemed to be living two lives.

My sexual journey began at the age of five. Along with the normal experimentation that children experience, I had several other influences that came to bear helping shape my sexuality. When I was five, I had gone into a public restroom. Being a shy kid, I did my business without looking at the man who was at the other urinal. As I was preparing to leave, he turned to me with his pants down and asked me if I would like to touch ‘it.’ I shook my head ‘no’ and quickly ran away from the encounter...but I could not bring myself to tell anyone what had just happened. Why?

Although I could not put words to my feelings at that time, I have since come to believe two things concerning my identity and destiny which came to play in my life at this time. To help you understand what I am about to share and to help you understand how my healing has come, you need to understand what I believe about God. I believe He made me and that He wants nothing but the best for me—and He speaks truth. And I believe God has an “enemy. He is known as Satan—and he wants to destroy me, wants nothing but evil for my life (often disguised as good)—and he speaks lies.

“As I ran from the bathroom encounter my mind began to be filled with thoughts like…

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Why would that man think he could do that to me?”

“Something must be wrong with me.”

And, yes. A five-year-old boy can think those thoughts. I know. I did. This is how my identity and self-concept began to take shape. Along with sexual encounters such as this, I can look back now and see very clearly some of the factors that came into play as my identity took shape.

At an early age, I was gifted with musical aptitude. At an early age, I was blessed with emotional sensitivity and an eye for the artistic and creative. As I entered school, other boys noticed these traits and deemed them feminine...and labeled me a sissy. What I did not realize at the time was that it was God who had given me these very special gifts...and it was the enemy of God who had come alongside and, through his subtle lies, began to pervert the very gifts of God. The very word pervert is not intended to hurt anyone in this instance. In its very “purest meaning, pervert means to distort from the intended use or purpose. I believe God gifted me in ways our culture may consider feminine in a man. In my mind, God gave these gifts to me and the enemy came along and led me to use these very holy gifts in a manner that was less than God’s intended best for those gifts—or for me!

I believe God wanted me to be emotionally sensitive to the needs and feelings of others...and the enemy wanted me to sexualize that sensitivity by focusing my thoughts on me. I believe God blessed me with musical ability and artistic flair in order to use my life to create in ways that would bring glory to Him and healing to others...and the enemy’s desire was to lead me to use those abilities to seek my own glory and pleasure (always sure to couch this way of thinking with how compassionate and tolerant my way of thinking was!). Absurd logically...but where I was in reality.

As if this weren’t enough to set my path toward homosexuality, there was my relationship with my dad. My perception? My dad only spoke to me when he needed me to do something for him...or if he was disciplining me. Never heard him say, "I love you, son." Never remember him hugging me...remember the spankings. Never felt I was pleasing to him...but remember feeling like I constantly let him down. I needed my dad’s approval and acceptance and affirmation...and never felt I received it as a child (I have now. More on that later! God is so good!). As I matured physically, my emotional needs became mingled with my sexuality. Sexually maturing and in need of male affirmation, my mind was constantly bombarded with nothing but what I now consider wrong information. Put simply, I had believed many lies about myself and had convinced myself that this was simply the way I was born.

I had become so self-focused concerning what others thought of me that I took great pains to keep others at an emotional distance. If I let a friend too close, he might discover my attraction to him. If I allowed my dad access to the realities of my attraction to men he would certainly reject me. Being very athletic helped me hide most of the time...and actually helped reinforce my wrong self-perceptions. Whenever I performed well on the athletic field I found great affirmation from the men in my life.

“Good catch, son!”

“Awesome basket!”

“Way to go, boy!”

I actually became very adept at being the best at whatever I did. I found the same affirmation in every arena. Scholastics. Church activities. FFA (believe it or not, I was Napoleon Dynamite before there was a ND!). Even though I loved all these activities, I loved the affirmation and attention more than the activity itself. But what happens when one’s performance doesn’t measure up? Worthless. Failure. Loser. Gifted young man who excelled at all he did. How did I get here? I had believed a lie.

It would be many years before my eyes would open to the reality of God’s love and true identity for my life. Take some time right now to think about the following thoughts and see if maybe, just maybe, you have believed some lies, too.

Questions for Meditation

• Are there any experiences from my childhood that have helped shape my concept of self?

What are some of my self-perceptions that have resulted from these experiences?

• What gift(s) has God placed in my life that the enemy has tried to pervert?

• For what purpose has the Lord given me my gifts and abilities?

• Am I using those gifts for His purpose...or for my own selfish gain/pleasure?

• Is it possible that I believed have about myself? If so, what might those lies be?

• Is it possible that my very own thought processes have led me to believe I was born a certain way when in reality God had other intentions when He created me?”

Even In Their Sleep

As you prepare for sleep tonight, allow the Lord the freedom to search your heart and mind and reveal any forgotten events which may have led to lies you may have believed or any wrong perceptions that you may have come to concerning you identity as a male/female.

Listen to the song "Lord, Though the World Rejected Me" after reading the chapter .Listen for free at https://youtu.be/5fQgbMc1Zbo?si=vftUpYLFmNZl0sk0

DJ’s Thought For the Day

“Knowing Jesus Christ intimately is worth every struggle we face in this life.”

Excerpt From Victim to Victor : A Personal Devotional Walk Towards Wholeness with Christ

By Dennis Jernigan