Before you read, listen to the song "Watching Over You” for free at https://youtu.be/WLTluzcAVsI?si=oCsVPWPK5xHWaDU4

By the time I was thirteen, I was pretty set in my sexual ways. Finding no solace in relationships because I could never get too close to anyone, I discovered several places of refuge like self-gratification in a sexual manner as well as the refuge of listening to the music of Elton John (read the lyrics to Someone Saved My Life Tonight and you’ll get a good picture of where I was emotionally as a teenager) and others who seemed to have an understanding of my predicament. Perhaps the greatest refuge of all in those days was the home of my grandmother Jernigan.

Grandma lived on the farm with us—next door to our farmhouse—in a trailer house (tornado magnet!). She often told me things of the Lord and reminded me constantly that my musical abilities were a gift from God. I found refuge at her piano, playing literally for hours because of the sheer joy of playing and for the relative peace my soul found during those times. There was an even greater refuge I found at grandma’s house. Grandma herself. She seemed to understand me and went out of her way to nurture my gifts. In the winter-time, she would see me doing my chores in the barnyard, stick her head out her back door, and call to me, “Dennis, when you’re through with your chores come in here and warm up your hands at the piano.” And I would. Those were precious times of refuge and peace...and they were all stripped away when my grandmother died. Being 13 and feeling rejected by God and now abandoned by Him as well, I withdrew even further into my own mind.

I hated going to school. School itself was fine. Scholastically I excelled. It was the times before school, during recesses, or after school when I had to be careful who I hung around with. There was a certain group of boys who really disliked me. These were the ones who called me faggot and queer and any other derogatory word they could think of (and cannot print here).

Needless to say, I found myself looking around corners after class or during times when students would gather before activities began, hoping for at least one day without conflict of some kind. I never knew when some of these guys was going to corner me and make my life not only an emotional hell but a physical one as well. I became so paranoid about it that I couldn’t wait to get home, do my chores, finish my homework, and go to bed. At least when I was asleep no one could hurt me.

One of the special things the Lord did for me in those days was the ability to make myself dream specific dreams. My favorite dream was very out there. In this dream, I lived on the USS Enterprise with my dad, Captain James T. Kirk. Each night I found myself captured by aliens. Just as it appeared the end had come, my dad would swoop into the room, take out the aliens, then set me free...then my mom, Doris Day, would end that dream by singing Que Sera, Sera. Honestly, this dream was what helped keep me sane. As I look back now, I believe God allowed that dream to recur in my mind because He was trying to get me to see that He loved me like Captain Kirk loved me...enough to give everything He had for me because He wanted me for His own.

He had been there watching all along. Because of my inexperience with the things of the Lord and because I had bought into the lies of this world that tell us that man is the highest and that I should have the freedom to do and think anything I desired, I simply did not have eyes to see His hand in my life...or ears to hear His voice...or a heart that would even let Him in! I would soon discover that life is best lived when seen from God’s perspective and not my own. He is God and I am not. It took a long time to learn that.

As you walk further through the writings to come, you will come to understand more and more (at least that is my prayer and hope for you) just how wonderful god’s perspective on life is...regardless of how miserable my past might have been. I encourage you with this: would you consider (at least while you are reading this book) looking at life from more than just your perspective or the perspective of the world. Look at life—even the junk—from His point of view. You’ll be glad you did.

Questions For Meditation

What was life like for you at school when you were younger?

How have those experiences influenced who you are now?

How have those experiences influenced how you respond to hurt? To failure? To disappointment?

What do you think you might see if you somehow saw each of those experiences from God’s point of view?

Even In Their Sleep

As you prepare for sleep tonight, allow the Lord to bring comfort to the hurts of your soul. Give Him access to some of the memories the previous questions may have stirred up.

Listen to the song "Watching Over You” for free at https://youtu.be/WLTluzcAVsI?si=oCsVPWPK5xHWaDU4

Life is best lived when seen from God’s perspective and not my own.

Dennis Jernigan

Excerpt From

Victim to Victor : A Personal Devotional Walk Towards Wholeness with Christ

By Dennis Jernigan

Photo courtesy of https://pixabay.com/photos/father-baby-portrait-infant-22194/