Listen to the song “Mercy Me” before you read the following devotion.
After I made my list and gave it to the Lord, the healing did come in waves for me. So much healing came that I was able to marry (no, the temptations did not stop. They began to be redirected...we will discuss that in the next devotion). I loved being married. It was as if a dream had come true...like I was living a miracle. Melinda was beautiful. We were having babies left and right. I made very little money but we were so happy. Melinda and I were just grateful to have this opportunity for life! As I have already stated, I received counsel after I began my road towards wholeness that said, “God has forgotten your past. So should you. There is no need for anyone else to know what you’ve been set free from.” That was how I had entered into my marriage.
Melinda and I were very intimate, sharing our feelings, our hopes, our dreams...but I had hidden the most crucial part of my joy from her (and, come to find out, she had been doing the same with me!). There came a time five years into our marriage where I confided in a friend that I had formerly lived a homosexual life...and of all God had done to bring about a healing change. His response? You need to tell Melinda. “Why?” was my reply as I explained the reason I had not shared with her already. He went on to quote one of my favorite Scriptures back to me.
O, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His lovingkindess is everlasting. Let the redeemed of the Lord say so...
Psalm 107:1-2
He gently yet firmly explained that ‘if I was truly redeemed, what did it matter what I was redeemed from? And if you don’t say so, how will those trapped in the same lies know there is a way out?’ I was stunned. Here, not five minutes before, my life had been great...and now it all flashed before my eyes. The old fears began to flood in.
“I’ll be fired from my job at the church.”
“My male friends will shun me.”
“My family will be humiliated and ashamed of me.”
“My wife will leave me...and I’ll never see my children again.”
Fear ruled the next few moments...until I realized that my friend—a man I respected and patterned my life after because of his masculinity—had not rejected me. Once again, love began to push fear aside and I was able to think coherently. If God’s Word was true, then my confession—my honesty—would lead to freedom. And if God is truly in control regardless of what I see or feel, then He can make a way through this mess I’ve made. Healing isn’t always easy, by the way! The very next day, I asked Melinda to talk to me. Fully expecting her to leave upon hearing the news, me.”
“My wife will leave me...and I’ll never see my children again.”
Fear ruled the next few moments...until I realized that my friend—a man I respected and patterned my life after because of his masculinity—had not rejected me. Once again, love began to push fear aside and I was able to think coherently. If God’s Word was true, then my confession—my honesty—would lead to freedom. And if God is truly in control regardless of what I see or feel, then He can make a way through this mess I’ve made. Healing isn’t always easy, by the way!
The very next day, I asked Melinda to talk to me. Fully expecting her to leave upon hearing the news, I braced myself to receive God’s grace to get through this rejection that I had surely brought upon myself due to my lack of transparency. I began, “Melinda, you know God has done a deep work in my heart...but I’ve never been able to tell you what He set me free from. Did you ever wonder why I told you that I never wanted to see you again when we graduated from college?”
She nodded[…]”
Excerpt From
Victim to Victor : A Personal Devotional Walk Towards Wholeness with Christ
By Dennis Jernigan
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