How Did I Get Here?

Excerpt From

Victim to Victor : A Personal Devotional Walk Towards Wholeness with Christ

By Dennis Jernigan

“How Did I Get Here?” Part 1

Listen to the song "Lord, Though the World Rejected Me" before you begin reading

How in the world did I ever get here? I was raised in a Christian home...played piano for my church from the time I was a young man...all-star athlete in high school...valedictorian of my graduating class...representative who traveled the nation promoting the Christian University I attended...and homosexual. In reality, I had been living this lifestyle since I was a young boy. Having learned to hide it well, I had convinced myself that I really could lead two lives. My assumption was that everyone seemed to be living two lives.”

My sexual journey began at the age of five. Along with the normal experimentation that children experience, I had several other influences that came to bear helping shape my sexuality. When I was five, I had gone into a public restroom. Being a shy kid, I did my business without looking at the man who was at the other urinal. As I was preparing to leave, he turned to me with his pants down and asked me if I would like to touch ‘it.’ I shook my head ‘no’ and quickly ran away from the encounter...but I could not bring myself to tell anyone what had just happened. Why?

Although I could not put words to my feelings at that time, I have since come to believe two things concerning my identity and destiny which came to play in my life at this time. To help you understand what I am about to share and to help you understand how my healing has come, you need to understand what I believe about God. I believe He made me and that He wants nothing but the best for me—and He speaks truth. And I believe God has an enemy. He is known as Satan—and he wants to destroy me, wants nothing but evil for my life (often disguised as good)—and he speaks lies.

“As I ran from the bathroom encounter my mind began to be filled with thoughts like...

“What’s wrong with me?”

“Why would that man think he could do that to me?”

“Something must be wrong with me.”

And, yes. A five-year-old boy can think those thoughts. I know. I did. This is how my identity and self-concept began to take shape. Along with sexual encounters such as this, I can look back now and see very clearly some of the factors that came into play as my identity took shape.

At an early age, I was gifted with musical aptitude. At an early age, I was blessed with emotional sensitivity and an eye for the artistic and creative. As I entered school, other boys noticed these traits and deemed them feminine...and labeled me a sissy. What I did not realize at the time was that it was God who had given me these very special gifts...and it was the enemy of God who had come alongside and, through his subtle lies, began to pervert the very gifts of God. The very word pervert is not intended to hurt anyone in this instance. In its very purest meaning, pervert means to distort from the intended use or purpose. I believe God gifted me in ways our culture may consider feminine in a man. In my mind, God gave these gifts to me and the enemy came along and led me to use these very holy gifts in a manner that was less than God’s intended best for those gifts—or for me!

To be continued…