I believe God wanted me to be emotionally sensitive to the needs and feelings of others...and the enemy wanted me to sexualize that sensitivity by focusing my thoughts on me. I believe God blessed me with musical ability and artistic flair in order to use my life to create in ways that would bring glory to Him and healing to others...and the enemy’s desire was to lead me to use those abilities to seek my own glory and pleasure (always sure to couch this way of thinking with how compassionate and tolerant my way of thinking was!). Absurd logically...but where I was in reality.
As if this weren’t enough to set my path toward homosexuality, there was my relationship with my dad. My perception? My dad only spoke to me when he needed me to do something for him...or if he was disciplining me. Never heard him say, "I love you, son." Never remember him hugging me...remember the spankings. Never felt I was pleasing to him...but remember feeling like I constantly let him down. I needed my dad’s approval and acceptance and affirmation...and never felt I received it as a child “ild (I have now. More on that later! God is so good!). As I matured physically, my emotional needs became mingled with my sexuality. Sexually maturing and in need of male affirmation, my mind was constantly bombarded with nothing but what I now consider wrong information. Put simply, I had believed many lies about myself and had convinced myself that this was simply the way I was born.
I had become so self-focused concerning what others thought of me that I took great pains to keep others at an emotional distance. If I let a friend too close, he might discover my attraction to him. If I allowed my dad access to the realities of my attraction to men he would certainly reject me. Being very athletic helped me hide most of the time...and actually helped reinforce my wrong self-perceptions. Whenever I performed well on the athletic field I found great affirmation from the men in my life.
“Good catch, son!”
“Awesome basket!”
“Way to go, boy!”
I actually became very adept at being the best at whatever I did. I found the same affirmation in every arena. Scholastics. Church activities. FFA “(believe it or not, I was Napoleon Dynamite before there was a ND!). Even though I loved all these activities, I loved the affirmation and attention more than the activity itself. But what happens when one’s performance doesn’t measure up? Worthless. Failure. Loser. Gifted young man who excelled at all he did. How did I get here? I had believed a lie.
It would be many years before my eyes would open to the reality of God’s love and true identity for my life. Take some time right now to think about the following thoughts and see if maybe, just maybe, you have believed some lies, too.”
“Questions for Meditation”
• Are there any experiences from my childhood that have helped shape my concept of self?
• What are some of my self-perceptions that have resulted from these experiences?
• What gift(s) has God placed in my life that the enemy has tried to pervert?
• For what purpose has the Lord given me my gifts and abilities?
• Am I using those gifts for His purpose...or for my own selfish gain/pleasure?
• Is it possible that I believed have about myself? If so, what might those lies be?
• Is it possible that my very own thought processes have led me to believe I was born a certain way when in reality God had other intentions when He created me?
”Even In Their Sleep”
As you prepare for sleep tonight, allow the Lord the freedom to search your heart and mind and reveal any forgotten events which may have led to lies you may have believed or any wrong perceptions that you may have come to concerning you identity as a male/female.
Listen to the song "Lord, Though the World Rejected Me" and take it very personally. Make it your prayer.
DJ’s Thought For the Day
“Knowing Jesus Christ intimately is worth every struggle we face in this life.”
Excerpt From
Victim to Victor
Dennis Jernigan
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