He assured me that he would love me no matter what. I remember finally getting up the nerve to share my struggles...and how it felt so much like the weight of the world finally being lifted from my shoulders! How good to finally be honest. I felt so free. My relief became euphoric as it became apparent that he was in no way shocked....that I had not been rejected as I had feared. As he began to verbally express his affirmation, the conversation soon turned to him asking me a series of questions. He asked me how I had come to have same-sex attractions. He asked me whom I had actually been attracted to at school. He asked me how I thought those feelings might affect our relationship...and then he began to share how natural he felt my sexual attractions to other males were...how he himself had experienced sexual encounters with other men...and then he took me by the hand and...

In those moments I gave up. Expecting acceptance and help for my problems, I had fallen into a very well-conceived plan to be exploited. My euphoria melted away into confusion and utter despair. My mind felt numb and my heart had been broken...this time, it seemed, beyond repair.

He dropped me off at my apartment. Since I lived alone and had no intention of ever trusting another man, the enemy began to bombard my mind with all types of wrong thinking. I believe this was the first time I ever felt utterly hopeless—beyond help. And because of my extreme self-focus and inability to hear or know the voice of God, I decided I would finally take matters into my own hands once and for all. I would end my life. My reasoning, once again, (since I was playing God for my own life) was that it would be better for everyone. What a sad perspective!

I turned on the gas heater but did not ignite the gas...and I simply lay down to die. As I laid there for several minutes thinking about how my family and friends would be happier without me, other thoughts began to creep in.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

“Do you know what’s out there?”

“Are you prepared for eternity?”

These thoughts (which I now realize were the voice of God to my mind) frightened me so deeply that I jumped up, shut off the gas, and made this declaration:

“This is simply who I was born to be. Instead of fighting same-sex attraction, I will embrace it. This is who I am.” I had been pushed to the edge of a cliff...and I felt I had been forced over the edge. I could no longer fight...and it felt good to be falling. At least I had some direction in my life now. Surely things would get better for me...

Questions For Meditation

Do you believe in God?

Do you believe He can take even the most hopeless of situations and bring something good from them?

Have you ever been betrayed?

How does betrayal affect your relationships with others? With God?

Would you be open to seeing even deep wounding betrayal as something God might be able to use to eventually bring you to a place of healing...so much healing that you could trust again?

Even In Their Sleep

Now you will understand a little more of the story behind the song. Can you believe someone who had experienced what I went through could write such a song...and believe it...and live it? You can, too. Don’t give up. Help really is on the way.

Listen to the song “If I Could Just Sit With You Awhile” again.

DJ’s Thought For The Day

“True intimacy is born of complete honesty. Complete honesty is born of trust.”

Excerpt From

Victim to Victor

Dennis Jernigan

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