Listen to the song “I Give It All”

After my betrayal and the suicide attempt, I simply decided I was just born that way. Looking back, I realize at that point in my life it was just easier to give in to the temptations rather than to go on fighting. My emotions had been spent and I had reached the end of my rope...and I was only 21 years old. Logic based on hurts and the fear of rejection will always lead us down the wrong path. My logic told me that rather than warring against my true identity I should follow that identity and never look back...and there I would find peace. I believe peace comes from knowing one’s true identity...and I thought I had finally found mine.

During my final semester I became involved with another young man who shared the same tendencies toward emotional dependency as me. Still too fearful to become sexually involved with another man after the encounter with my mentor, I became emotionally involved to the point that every decision I made hinged on what my new friend thought. Because I sensed he knew my struggles “and did not reject me I felt drawn to him like a magnet. His companionship seemed to meet some deep need in my life. The only problem was that I constantly felt I had to perform for his approval even though I felt accepted...mostly.

Our relationship continued through the summer after graduation...and eventually became sexual in nature. It was during this time that I began to become disillusioned with homosexual relationship just as I had become disillusioned with relationship in general. It seemed that the more I gave in to his desires the more I felt used...and if I did something that he disapproved of I was punished emotionally. It soon became very apparent that this one who professed total acceptance and unconditional love was actually using me...just like I had been used in every other same-sex encounter I had ever experienced in the past. I had no understanding of what real relationship actually looked like since every major relationship I had ever known was based on my performance...and on what I thought others wanted from me...what they thought of me.

By the end of that summer I had become so emotionally “numb and at the same time so full of despair that I felt I was losing my sanity. I finally had enough of feeling used by my companion (and other homosexuals who all seemed to be in the same boat as me) that I ended the relationship. I felt better but I was still alone. Because I was too fearful of eternity to take my own life I honestly did not know what I was going to do with the rest of my miserable life.

Out of desperation, I finally decided to go back to school...to seminary actually. My thinking? I had given up on God in many ways when I went full-fledged into homosexuality. It dawned on me that it was I who had given up on God...Maybe He had not given up on me like I had reasoned for so long. Leaving the homosexual friends I had made was actually rather easy. Feeling used all the time has a way of making one steer clear of hurtful situations...and hurtful people. And I was just so tried of being hurt. My same-sex attractions did not stop...but I forced myself away from them simply because of the pain. At least in seminary God might unlock some secret to overcoming my hurts that I had not seen before. I was actually excited for the change.

Three days before I was to leave for seminary I received a phone call that would forever change my life. Like the first in a series of dominoes, my life began to fall into place and out of my control all at the same time...all because of these simple words spoken by a friend I had not heard from in a year...

“Dennis. God’s been speaking to me about you…”

Excerpt From

Victim to Victor

Dennis Jernigan

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