“This scared me to death. God did not speak to me so what was He saying to my friend? I suddenly felt naked yet affirmed all in the same instant. If what my friend said was true, then God was actually validating my very existence...there really must be some purpose for my life beyond the constant torture my mind had experienced since my youth. He went
“The Lord spoke to me in a dream. In this dream He was giving you many songs...and we were singing them back to Him in worship...and people all over the world were singing the songs as well.”
I had written maybe three songs up to that point in my life. During my sophomore year at OBU I had felt that maybe I could write music. Something seemed to be stirring in my heart in that area...so much so that I got up the nerve to ask the head of the Theory and Composition department for a place in that field of study. Her words? “We reserve those few places for people we see promise or potential in. We see none in you. I’m sorry.” Those words suddenly flooded my mind and filled my heart with doubt about what my friend had just shared with me. He sensed my hesitation and went on...
“Dennis. My mom had the same dream this week. We feel this is a confirmation that God is up to something here. Would you consider moving to Oklahoma City to live with us...and give God the chance to work these things into your life?”
“When I shared with my parents what my friend had proposed, I went into even more of an emotional joyride when they told me they felt that I needed to take time off from school. (My mom told me in later years that she had suspected homosexuality in me. She wasn’t sure...but she felt this was the case. She simply began to pray for me). They felt that with my degree in Church Music I would quickly find a job in Oklahoma City...and they were right. The only problem was that God had other ideas concerning what that job would be. Never in my wildest dreams would I have chosen school bus driver as the vehicle God would use to slow me down long enough to hear His voice.
With no homosexual influences around me, I found myself thrust into a place where spiritual talk and concerns took center stage. My friend and his mom were so patient with me. They were excited about what God was showing them about me and about how God could use the music to minister to others. Funny. I still had no music...except in the realm of their faith. And their faith was contagious. Still, I felt I would lose my mind! Here I was humiliated having to drive a school bus—and I was a college graduate (can you say pride?)! Temptations told me one things about who I was...and my friend told me what God wanted to do with my life. I constantly felt torn in two opposing directions...darkness vs. light...good vs. evil...destiny vs. despair. It was not lost on me some of the lessons I had learned and forgotten from my Bible teaching from my younger years.
“A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways...(a DJ paraphrase!)” James 1:8
That was it. I was double-minded and to find relief I would need to choose which way to go—once and for all. But how could I calm my emotions and keep my mind focused on making right choices? Then it hit me one day. I remembered the story of King Saul who had been overwhelmed by evil spirits. His courtiers sent for the shepherd boy David to come and play his harp for the king. The evil spirits would flee as the boy played...so I decided I would do that for myself.
After my morning school bus route and before my afternoon routes, I would rush home to my friend’s house, run to the piano, and fling my Bible open to the Psalms. I began singing the Psalms of that shepherd boy (and the other psalmists), often singing completely through the entire book of Psalms week after week. I began writing down some of the melodies I would sing and then sing them with my friend when he came home from work. My friend’s dream was coming true...and my mind began to have longer periods of peace...and in the midst of peace, wrong choices are more easily seen for what they are: a road paved with disappointment—a road which leads to utter destruction.
I remember how well those first few weeks went. The joy. The peace. “The satisfaction that things were finally turning around for me...that I might just have a grip on reality. And then the bottom fell out from under me the night my friend sat me down and told me he knew what I was hiding...and told me he knew I was struggling with homosexuality.
Horrified and humiliated, I ran from the house and down the street. I needed to get as far away from the rejection as I could...so I ran and I ran and I ran...until I could run no more. Suddenly it dawned on me to ask myself just where I was running. In sheer desperation I asked the Lord to speak to me:
“If you are real, speak to me. If I ever needed to hear you it is now!”
Call me crazy, but this really happened. My eyes were drawn to the moonlit sky above where two puffy clouds glowed from the bright moon-glow. Like a child who tries to find shapes in clouds, I found myself seeing the larger of the 2 clouds appearing to be a wise old man with a beard. The other cloud morphed into a little lamb...and soon the wise old man cloud embraced and completely engulfed the little lamb cloud...and in my heart I felt God was saying, “This is what I will do for you, son, if you will simply let me hold you. Go back and face your friend. It will be alright.” So id did.
I walked in the door, still fearful, but at least trying to obey what I had heard. And you know what my friend said to me?
“Dennis. I don’t know necessarily how to help you walk out of homosexuality, but I do know the answer. Knowing Jesus is the answer...and here’s how much I love you and believe God can help you and heal you. However long it takes...whatever struggles you must face...I will walk toward the Answer with you. I will walk with you toward Jesus. Will you let me?”
What do you think was the right answer? I couldn’t resist. Finally someone who loved me enough to put aside his own pleasures and needs to meet mine. I melted into tears...and the stage was set for my true destiny.
Questions For Meditation
Do you believe God, being God, may know just a little more than you or I about what is best for us?
Do you believe that maybe, just maybe, God might be engineering even the hurtful storms of life to bring us into a place of understanding His love for us?
Have you ever stopped to look back at your hurts and failures and, once again, try to see them from God’s perspective rather than your own?
Have you ever truly experienced an absolute, pure love that has absolutely no conditions other than your surrender to that love? Be honest...
Would you like to know how I found that truest of all loves? I can’t wait to tell you! But for now, finish the journey for today and take up where you left off tomorrow...Okay...go ahead and read on!
Even In Their Sleep
As you prepare to sleep tonight, ask the Lord to begin preparing your heart to receive His absolute and purest of love. Anticipate peace and expect healing.
“Listen to the song “I Give It All.”
DJ’s Thought For The Day
Peace comes from knowing one’s true identity. One’s true identity comes from knowing God.
Image courtesy of https://pixabay.com/illustrations/change-decision-choice-direction-2930404/
Excerpt From
Victim to Victor : A Personal Devotional Walk Towards Wholeness with Christ
By Dennis Jernigan
This material may be protected by copyright.