Listen to the song “I Cry Holy” before you read this devotion.

It seems that so much of my life has been filled with hurt and disappointment. If I focused on those things for too long I believe I would lose my mind! After the Lord set me free to walk down the road of recovery, I still seemed to not be able to let go of all the times I had felt rejected or abandoned. It seemed impossible to let go of the memories of times when I had been used and cast aside. If God had made me a brand new creation and was in the process of setting me free, why was I still battling depression and fear of rejection...and still harboring unforgiveness (bitterness) in my heart and mind?

So much healing had come into my life between 1981 and 1983 that the Lord allowed me to do something I had all but given up on ever happening in my life. He gave me a wife. I had gone into our marriage without divulging all I had dealt with in my life concerning same-sex attractions (I’ll share more on that later) but I actually felt mostly free from my past. But I had to admit, I could never shake all the memories of times I felt God or people had abandoned me in the past...and those memories continually dragged me down to self-pity, despair and depression. It was as if I was swimming with huge stones tied around my neck...and could barely keep my head above water. Had it not been for practicing daily times of intimate worship with God I think I would have surely drowned during those days.

There came a point in this process where it dawned on me that if God had redeemed me—rescued me—from a life of homosexuality, then surely He could redeem and rescue me from all my past hurts. So what did I do? I simply made a list of all the times (an actual list of memories) when I felt I had been abandoned. This list also included times when I had failed morally as well as times when I was wounded emotionally in some way. After all, my sin had left me separated from God...and His Word tells us that He will not leave us or forsake us. My desire was simply to take God at His Word, allow Him to show me His perspective on every hurt or failure I had ever encountered. I was so tired of carrying all that extra weight around. I gave that list to God and asked Him to reveal His perspective in His time.

About two weeks later I found myself in my hometown leading worship in the local community center. After the service, a little gray haired lady—June Smith—approached me. She was so excited and gracious as she exclaimed, “Isn’t it wonderful how your grandmother’s prayers have been answered?”

I was taken aback a little because I honestly had no idea of what she was talking about. I asked her to go to please tell me what she was talking about. She said, “Remember when you were a little boy and you’d go to your grandmother’s house and play the piano?”

“Of course,” I replied. “Those were some of my most precious memories!”

June went on. “Did you know she would stand behind you and ask the Lord to use you in the areas of worship and music for His kingdom and His glory? Then she would come to our women’s prayer meeting every week and ask us to agree with her in prayer. And Dennis—we still do. In fact, your first grade teacher Mary Ross and I continue to lift up your grandmother’s request to this day.”

I was blown away! I had felt so abandoned by God when He took my grandmother away. Only being 13 at the time, I had no real clue as to all God was up to...until the moment June Smith re-entered my life. Immediately I was reminded of the list of hurtful memories I had recently written and given to God. And in this moment, the Holy Spirit began to rush into my mind and wash over me with a brand new perspective of my grandmother’s death...a perspective that left me full of hope and full of anticipation of what else God might be doing in my life in the area of healing my hurts.

Excerpt From

Victim to Victor : A Personal Devotional Walk Towards Wholeness with Christ

By Dennis Jernigan

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