"A parent's love is whole no matter how many times divided." — Robert Breault, as cited in NDTV Profit
“You never have the power to change the heart of your child - only God does. Parents must remember that they are instruments, not redeemers. This truth becomes especially important as children enter adulthood, when control must give away to prayer, humility, and trust in God's work.” Paul David Trip, Parenting.
When writing about my dad and mom in the past, I have alluded to the fact that I believed they did not love me…could not possibly have loved me at certain points in my life. I had believed a lie. I never heard those words ‘I love you’ from my dad until I was already married and had a family…yet he proved his love for me in the way he raised me…laying down his life for me. The reason I am even writing this chapter is that today believing such lies has become a cottage industry in the therapy world and it is designed to tear the family apart. I wanted to put that to rest. There are no perfect parents and there are no perfect families, but we can always work toward being the best we can be. To help illustrate my point, I am quoting from Instagram influencer Tania Khazaal at https://www.instagram.com/reel/DNrLkyOZGPj/?igsh=cnF4cDlmeW5qNmIz
“The Internet is full of ‘five signs your mom is toxic’ or ‘how to go no contact checklists’ and people eating it up like it’s candy. You know why? Because division sells. It's literally the devil’s work and they make profit off destroying families teaching kids to label, defame people who want to unite families, mock parents’ pain, and then discard their parents with zero effort towards repair and then they package it as ‘self-care’ or ‘boundaries’. But there's nothing healthy about encouraging permanent estrangement as the solution. Real healing is freaking hard. It requires communication, humility, forgiveness, and actual solutions. But notice what does go viral - the victim mentality. So instead they spread poison, encouraging children to cut off their families while parents cry themselves to sleep, wondering what went wrong and families deserve better than this reduced trend of pushing the narratives that aren't helping you heal they're actually destroying you.”
Again, I quote Tania Khazaal at https://www.instagram.com/reel/DPhmFUEkgDU/?igsh=MXZoaHk4NGUwaWV5cg==. She says,
“What if trauma that you've been healing from was never even real. In 1995, psychologist Elizabeth Loftus, ran a study where people were told 4 childhood stories. Three true and one completely fake and the fake one was that that they got lost in a mall at five years old and were rescued by a complete stranger. Twenty-five percent (25%) of them remembered it so vividly that they cried and described the details. Their nervous system reacted to it as if it actually happened. Your body can respond to a lie as if it's true. Today therapy sessions that are built on whatever comes up for you - guided, imaginary, hypnosis, regression, and people are treating every vision, every memory, and every emotion is truth and suddenly everyone's a victim now and traumatized.People are cutting off family labeling parents as abusers because of memories that might not even be theirs or twisted into saying that it was abuse. An entire mental health culture now teaches people to trust every feeling and thought as truth, but truth and emotion are not the same thing and this is why families are collapsing because false narratives and emotional reactivity has replaced discernment and forgiveness and connection, convincing them that they're healing when they're actually being programmed to hate to fear to cut off the very people who raised them.”
And one more quote from an Instagram influencer who happens to be a young man who , I would guess, is somewhere between Generation Z or Millennial, named Flamur Berisha at https://www.instagram.com/reel/DO1wWlBkazF/?igsh=MTcyY2tzaGFvbmlwdQ==
“One thing I just can't do is trust people who villainize their parents over every little thing. Seriously, if you turn your back on the people who raised you; on the people who sacrificed for you; on the people who worried while you slept; who can't you turn your back on? Why do you expect me or anyone else to trust you? And to me a part of loyalty means recognizing the people who invested in you, who believed you in good faith, even when their methods were flawed, even when they got it wrong. Turning against them over every small disappointment. That says more about you than it does about them. I'm not saying every parent is perfect, but most of the time blaming and claiming that they ruined your life is all misplaced because it ignores the fact that they sacrifice so much to give you a shot in the world. Standing behind your parents is as simple as seeing the effort behind their choices and not letting resentment ruin your life, and I wish more people had this kind of loyalty.”
Of course abuse can be real, but to call being told ‘no’ is abusive is childish; immature. One of the most mature things I ever did was to stop blaming my parents for my life choices and one thing I am so glad I never did was to cut off my parents. They were not perfect, but they were there. They were not perfect, but they were awesome in the way they provided for and protected my 3 younger brothers and myself. All I need to say is they were there for us. I just wanted to clear that up for any who think my words about believing my parents did not love me are disparaging. That was just a lie I chose to believe for a brief moment in my life.
"Family is not an important thing. It's everything,” according to Michael J. Fox.
Dennis Jernigan
Photo courtesy of https://pixabay.com/photos/baby-child-father-parent-2616673/